Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Blood Elves. Just Blood Elves.

The reasons are better than just that this guy's hair bugs me. Though, this guy's hair does bug me.
Yerp, we're not mincing words in this blog.

Actually, I will mince words. I think I shall write a sonnet on this topic:
Why dost I hate blood elves?
Let me count the ways:
They think too much of themselves
And magic addiction leaves them in a haze.
Their hearts, filled to the brim with spite,
Leaves no space for friendship.
Though, the Alliance, their Sunwell did light,
Their loyalties, they hold out like a bargaining chip.
Though the Belf women be cute
Their attitudes are quite fissilingual.
The Belf men, from veteran to raw recruit,
All seem, really, to be very metrosexual
But if there is one supreme reason for loathing a Belf
Is that there are no greater tools on the continental shelf.
Does that clear things up?  No? Well, I had fun writing it anyway. And look up "fissilingual" to figure out what a good job I did choosing my rhyme scheme!

I wrote in the sidebar recently that I try hard not to hate Belves more than most bunches of pixels that appear on my screen. However, the former followers of Kael'thelas have come to deserve some special attention. A great deal of this is based on my interpretation of WoW lore, while some of it is sort of meta-game thinking:

1)  The Blood Elves come up wrong in WoW history. 
Leaving aside how the Highborne Elves ruined a good thing for greater Elven society and like... split the continents in half back during The Great Sundering (ancient history can be reviewed another time) The group of creeps that would come to be known as the Blood Elves had it all wrong since the Second War.  Without going too deep into specific events, the Elves failed to rally in defense of the Alliance of Lordaeron during the Second War, and then blamed the Alliance itself for the Scourge incursions of the Third War.

Much has been made of some "racist" Alliance commander giving Kael'thelas a hard time during the aftermath of the Third War and not enough support to hold his grounds, but the truth is that the elves were too wrapped up in themselves to support their allies and then too wrapped up in themselves to understand that the help they desperately wanted was unavailable.  Morons.

2) In their darkest moment, they made among the dumbest choices they could possibly have made
The Blood Elves, their king killed by the Scourge, their lands ravaged, and their Sunwell water blackened when Arthas dumped a dead lich into it, decided that the only logical thing to do was to spurn their allies of thousands of years and ... team up with the orcs and trolls who tore up their forest in the Second War, and an offshoot of the undead who finished the job in the Third War.  Yeah, I mean, I just can't understand the logic of that. At all. Double Morons.

3) My personal history: Bloof Elves suck.
We jump back in time about five years now. Here is a fresh young, level 5 or 6 Merinna jumping around Azuremyst Isle.  This whole WoW thing is brand-spanking new and while I have heard that there are orcs and bull-men lurking around out there somewhere, none of them have appeared in the Draenei starting area, nor are they expected to. And then suddenly, a "Blood Elf Bandit" jumped out of the brush from a stealth position and started attacking. He taunted me a few times but still died in a heap, fricasseed by lightning.  Thus, was my personal, long amnity against the Bloof Elves begun.

The Draenei starting story reveals that the Bloof Elves basically attacked the Drae for no good particular reason, crashed the Exodar out of spite, and then hung around in several locations throughout the Drae landing zone just to attack us for fun.

Much of the Drae/Belf history ends upon leaving Bloodmyst Isle, but make no mistakes: long before Merinna met any other part of the Horde, she had a long, well-developed disgust with the Blood Elves.

4) In real life, would you want to hang out with Blood Elves? 
That answer is "no," and even Belf players would say the same if they were honest about it. Blood Elves are arch and petty. They make mean-spirited jokes about their allies. Their laughter is haughty, dismissive and evil. The men spend more time working on their appearance than the Situation from Jersey Shore. The Belf women are striking but they have a Kate Moss air about them. Don't you just know Belf women think "fun" means smoking too much and tossing back a couple lines of cocaine before going off to look at themselves in a mirror in a stupor?  Bleah!

5) There are too many Belf Paladins
I haven't looked at stats recently, but I do recall  a report near the end of the Burning Crusade reporting that slightly more than 50% of all Horde characters were Belves, and that nearly 60% of those were paladins.  Gah. I would somehow imagine those numbers have gone down somewhat in the intervening years, but that was a lot of Blood Elf Paladins.

Without trying to go too far into my next "Mer Hates [fill in the blank]" article, let me offer a few words about paladins from "The Cynic's Guide to World of Warcraft," an article written by Allison Robert, who offered this definition of "paladin:"

Paladin - The class of choice for every weasel who scribbled immortality cheats on the manual before installing a game. Currently the most popular class, the paladin combines the game's best defensive cooldowns with a frightening amount of burst damage or healing. Suggestions for possible fixes have ranged from those of the developers, who advocate folding some defensive skills back into the tanking tree, to paladins' battleground victims, who advocate nuking the class from orbit and salting the hard drives of the developers.

The Ret Paladin has been a PvP class of choice for some time now based pretty well on the description offered above. Playing PvP is one thing, altogether, but frankly, my own approach to PvP is somewhat limited. I almost never go to the arena. I'll hit a BG once in a blue moon but if I'm crossing the world and the World Defense Chatline lights up with a message like, "Telredor is under attack!" then somebody attacking Telredor is going to die. World PvP is kind of cool, but killing off quest givers in  low-level zones is not, nor will it ever be. I haven't much use for "honor," really but it is actually quite satisfying to get the thanks of other players when you flush trouble-makers out of the areas that they are trying to quest in.

And you know what? 95% of the time when I do this, it's a Blood Elf paladin. I cannot prove a causality relationship between Belf Paladins and this kind of douchebaggery, but the correlation is irrefutable.

So, there we are: five good reasons to utterly despise the Blood Elves. And I didn't even get into what they did to Mu'ru!

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